I have a hard time coping with the situation I find myself in. We've been together about a month and half at this point, not very long at all. I am already in such pain everyday trying to come to terms with the nature of our relationship. I've never felt this way before, had to deal with these types of emotions. I'm unsure of how to process or work through the way I feel. I'd done a lot of work years ago in therapy to recognize and understand myself and my emotions but I was unprepared for what I was going through now. The feelings of love and yearning for her mixed with the bitterness and disappointment I felt regarding the situation. I struggled every day. It was something that was difficult to communicate to her. Most days she was going through her own set of issues. Dealing with repressed memories of traumatic events, her own emotional disorders that had gone untreated for years as a result, her physical pain from her conditions. I felt very bad for bringing up my...
Posts
She reveals the nature of her trip over the New Years. She had someone she had met who had flown her out to spend the week there. He had paid for everything, he was quite wealthy and had bought her a lot of gifts to take home. Designer clothes and such. They had gone to clubs, yachts, and he had a lot of connections. I know she's not a very materialistic person, but she struggles financially so I do my best to understand this type of relationship. She claims to care about him, just that the nature of their relationship is different. I believe her, I want to believe her. Our relationship continues. The days are pretty hard for me, but I know she's dealing with a lot so I do my best to stay strong for her. I receive very little back in this relationship and I'm very aware of it but I want her to be happy and to be supportive and strong for her. I cling to the smallest things to try to be happy. The rare kiss. Holding her hand. A hug. A kind word....
I take her to the airport the following day. I'm still reeling from the news but I had promised to drive her. I still cared for her, I was just having trouble processing everything still. I load her bag into the car and we drive to the airport. I cry silently most of the way, tears streaming down my face. It makes it difficult to drive. Taking her there feels like I'm breaking my own heart even more when I haven't even processed the initial news of the nature of our relationship. I don't want her to feel bad, I know how much stress she's been under with all of the emotional challenges from the holidays and reliving events from certain past trauma. I want her to have a good trip still, she had expressed how excited she was for it. When she notices the tears, she's tender and sweet, gentle and loving. She tells me it's going to be ok. To take time for myself this week and think about what I want to do. She'll understand if it's too much and I can'...
I met her about a year ago around Thanksgiving. This was the only romantic relationship I've ever had. Let me explain. I grew up with clinical depression and social anxiety that hit me very hard in puberty. It had a very negative impact on my social development among other things. I ended dropping out of Highschool in my sophomore year and lived 2 years in Japan with my father. After I got back to the states I got my GED and finally went through about 2 years of heavy therapy and a little bit of medication to work through my issues, eventually no longer needing the therapy or meds to manage my issues (a conclusion my therapist and I came to). I never had much of an opportunity to explore the idea of a romantic relationship during all of this. Even after I gained the tools to deal with my issues I had mixed feelings about romance. I wanted to be a better person, a solid person before I even tried to share my life with another person. I didn't want all my emotional baggage an...
This Blog
This blog is a way for me to write out my thoughts and feelings about some of the experiences of my life. In particular this past year and the abusive relationship I was in and the things that happened, good and bad. I left the relationship quite recently and I have to reconcile what happened this past year and recover. I was left with deep emotional and physical scars that I will carry for the rest of my life. My hope is that detailing some of my experience will help me understand and cope with what happened and why it happened.