She reveals the nature of her trip over the New Years. She had someone she had met who had flown her out to spend the week there. He had paid for everything, he was quite wealthy and had bought her a lot of gifts to take home. Designer clothes and such. They had gone to clubs, yachts, and he had a lot of connections. I know she's not a very materialistic person, but she struggles financially so I do my best to understand this type of relationship. She claims to care about him, just that the nature of their relationship is different. I believe her, I want to believe her.
Our relationship continues. The days are pretty hard for me, but I know she's dealing with a lot so I do my best to stay strong for her. I receive very little back in this relationship and I'm very aware of it but I want her to be happy and to be supportive and strong for her. I cling to the smallest things to try to be happy. The rare kiss. Holding her hand. A hug. A kind word. I spend the majority of my days with her. Helping her with things, giving her rides. Most days are ok, but I feel very sad and lonely. I tell her sometimes about the unhappiness, but we both recognize that there's not a whole lot to be done about it. I had chosen to stay after all.
We have another sexual encounter. My third time. I'm excited but nervous during it. I'm not sure what I should be doing and I have a hard time not thinking about her other relationship... I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. It results in me having a difficult time finishing. I can tell she's quickly losing patience and wants me to be done. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and really try. Eventually she tells me to finish myself and rolls over and goes to sleep. I'm in shock and extremely hurt and embarrassed. I go to the bathroom and cry before going to sleep. When I try to talk to her about it the next she gets angry at me. She tells me I should consider her feelings more, it hurt her to feel like I wasn't able to finish because I'm not attracted to her. That I should be more considerate when it comes to things like that, especially because I know how difficult sex or intimacy is for her right now.
She has a lot of outbursts, depression, anxiety, and mood swings. She struggles every day with her emotions regarding various things. She's starting to remember things from her childhood. Bad things. Sometimes her outbursts are vicious and aggressive, she yells and throws things. She usually ends up in the bathroom crying by herself. I don't know how to help in these situations. I always stay and wait patiently for them to end. I simply let her know that I'm there if she needs anything. She doesn't want to be held or physically comforted so I stop trying to do that, it only upsets her.
It makes it difficult to talk to her about things. It always feels like she's going through so much. I don't want to pile my problems, my sadness on top of all of that. When we do have moments that we are able to talk about those things though very little comes of it. She hears me out, understands why I'm sad, acknowledges it, but there's no solutions. This is the way things are. She needs someone who can help her, but she can't give back in the relationship. These discussions always seem to be about the same thing and nothing ever changes, so I eventually stop bringing them up. She knows, she's acknowledged it, all I can do is be patient and do my best to be strong. I know she's not doing these things on purpose to hurt me or make me sad.
We get several ice storms during this period. I spend hours driving through them to pick her up. I remember one night I drove 3 hours to get to her and proceeded to spend another 2 getting us back to her place. That night I don't want to attempt to drive back to my place. I see some things in her apartment, writing about her experience from her trip. The things she wrote, the way she speaks about it... I can't stay there that night. I grab some blankets and sleep in my car. It's freezing. I cry thinking about the things she wrote. I have a hard time understanding the feelings she expressed in those words. It makes me feel as though what I have to give, have to offer, and have been giving isn't worth very much at all.
We talk about it the next morning. She tells me not to worry about it. It's just writing, something she does a lot of (I know this) and I have to get used to. It's just a way for her to express herself and I can't take everything she writes out literally. She tells me that she thinks I'm amazing and appreciates me. That what we have is different, special, and irreplaceable. What we have doesn't compare to those other things. She talks about how hard I work for her and how much she appreciates it.
The nights I spend with her are difficult still but I cling to words like that to get through them. We often sleep in the same bed, but there's no physical contact between us. I do my best to respect that and hug the wall when we sleep together. I feel very lonely and depressed most of the time. During a particular night she asks me why I stay with her if it's this painful. Why put myself through this kind of misery? I tell her it's because I love her. The first time I've ever told her that I feel that way.
She asks me to say it again. I do, she tells me she loves me too. She hugs me, I'm deeply depressed but I'm so happy she said it back. I'm so happy she feels that same way. It makes my pain through all this worth it.
Our days continue like this. I spend almost every day with her stoically doing whatever is asked of me once I'm off work. I don't get a lot of sleep. I have crying fits a lot of the time. At work, driving, in the shower, falling asleep. I'm deeply depressed but I can't leave or abandon this love of mine. She's trying so hard, going through so much, I need to be strong.
She has a hard time working. Her work is starting to trigger memories and she vents to me often about how terrible it is. The terrible things that have happened to her in clubs over the years. The terrible things she has to do on a daily basis. How disgusted she is, with the environment, the people, the other dancers, herself. Driving her to work is very saddening. I hate dropping her off and picking her up from this place she can barely stand. It makes my depression worse thinking about these things. But I need to be strong. She has no one else to talk to about these things. I know the importance being able to vent can have.
Sometimes she asks me what's wrong. She notices my depression, it's extremely obvious, especially these days. Sometimes I talk, but nothing changes. Sometimes she gets upset at me. "Why do I still have the same issues? If I'm going to be with her everyday then I need to learn how to live with these things. At least try to be happy every once in a while." I apologize. I stop trying to talk about my issues. I want her to be happy. I tell her it's ok that I'm sad. I can endure this, as long as I help her my pain is worthwhile.
I start thinking of alternative solutions to ease some of my issues. Compromises that might be acceptable. I come up with one. I kiss her feet. It surprises and delights her. For her it's an action that doesn't trigger any negative memories and is a novel way to have someone express affection. For me it's a way to feel connected and express physical intimacy. I start doing this often, she loves it and I love that she loves it. It helps me feel more connected to her.
To be clear I have no particular attraction or fetish for feet. It was a way for me to show affection to try to fulfill that side of myself without making her have flashbacks or bad memories.
Our relationship continues. The days are pretty hard for me, but I know she's dealing with a lot so I do my best to stay strong for her. I receive very little back in this relationship and I'm very aware of it but I want her to be happy and to be supportive and strong for her. I cling to the smallest things to try to be happy. The rare kiss. Holding her hand. A hug. A kind word. I spend the majority of my days with her. Helping her with things, giving her rides. Most days are ok, but I feel very sad and lonely. I tell her sometimes about the unhappiness, but we both recognize that there's not a whole lot to be done about it. I had chosen to stay after all.
We have another sexual encounter. My third time. I'm excited but nervous during it. I'm not sure what I should be doing and I have a hard time not thinking about her other relationship... I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. It results in me having a difficult time finishing. I can tell she's quickly losing patience and wants me to be done. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and really try. Eventually she tells me to finish myself and rolls over and goes to sleep. I'm in shock and extremely hurt and embarrassed. I go to the bathroom and cry before going to sleep. When I try to talk to her about it the next she gets angry at me. She tells me I should consider her feelings more, it hurt her to feel like I wasn't able to finish because I'm not attracted to her. That I should be more considerate when it comes to things like that, especially because I know how difficult sex or intimacy is for her right now.
She has a lot of outbursts, depression, anxiety, and mood swings. She struggles every day with her emotions regarding various things. She's starting to remember things from her childhood. Bad things. Sometimes her outbursts are vicious and aggressive, she yells and throws things. She usually ends up in the bathroom crying by herself. I don't know how to help in these situations. I always stay and wait patiently for them to end. I simply let her know that I'm there if she needs anything. She doesn't want to be held or physically comforted so I stop trying to do that, it only upsets her.
It makes it difficult to talk to her about things. It always feels like she's going through so much. I don't want to pile my problems, my sadness on top of all of that. When we do have moments that we are able to talk about those things though very little comes of it. She hears me out, understands why I'm sad, acknowledges it, but there's no solutions. This is the way things are. She needs someone who can help her, but she can't give back in the relationship. These discussions always seem to be about the same thing and nothing ever changes, so I eventually stop bringing them up. She knows, she's acknowledged it, all I can do is be patient and do my best to be strong. I know she's not doing these things on purpose to hurt me or make me sad.
We get several ice storms during this period. I spend hours driving through them to pick her up. I remember one night I drove 3 hours to get to her and proceeded to spend another 2 getting us back to her place. That night I don't want to attempt to drive back to my place. I see some things in her apartment, writing about her experience from her trip. The things she wrote, the way she speaks about it... I can't stay there that night. I grab some blankets and sleep in my car. It's freezing. I cry thinking about the things she wrote. I have a hard time understanding the feelings she expressed in those words. It makes me feel as though what I have to give, have to offer, and have been giving isn't worth very much at all.
We talk about it the next morning. She tells me not to worry about it. It's just writing, something she does a lot of (I know this) and I have to get used to. It's just a way for her to express herself and I can't take everything she writes out literally. She tells me that she thinks I'm amazing and appreciates me. That what we have is different, special, and irreplaceable. What we have doesn't compare to those other things. She talks about how hard I work for her and how much she appreciates it.
The nights I spend with her are difficult still but I cling to words like that to get through them. We often sleep in the same bed, but there's no physical contact between us. I do my best to respect that and hug the wall when we sleep together. I feel very lonely and depressed most of the time. During a particular night she asks me why I stay with her if it's this painful. Why put myself through this kind of misery? I tell her it's because I love her. The first time I've ever told her that I feel that way.
She asks me to say it again. I do, she tells me she loves me too. She hugs me, I'm deeply depressed but I'm so happy she said it back. I'm so happy she feels that same way. It makes my pain through all this worth it.
Our days continue like this. I spend almost every day with her stoically doing whatever is asked of me once I'm off work. I don't get a lot of sleep. I have crying fits a lot of the time. At work, driving, in the shower, falling asleep. I'm deeply depressed but I can't leave or abandon this love of mine. She's trying so hard, going through so much, I need to be strong.
She has a hard time working. Her work is starting to trigger memories and she vents to me often about how terrible it is. The terrible things that have happened to her in clubs over the years. The terrible things she has to do on a daily basis. How disgusted she is, with the environment, the people, the other dancers, herself. Driving her to work is very saddening. I hate dropping her off and picking her up from this place she can barely stand. It makes my depression worse thinking about these things. But I need to be strong. She has no one else to talk to about these things. I know the importance being able to vent can have.
Sometimes she asks me what's wrong. She notices my depression, it's extremely obvious, especially these days. Sometimes I talk, but nothing changes. Sometimes she gets upset at me. "Why do I still have the same issues? If I'm going to be with her everyday then I need to learn how to live with these things. At least try to be happy every once in a while." I apologize. I stop trying to talk about my issues. I want her to be happy. I tell her it's ok that I'm sad. I can endure this, as long as I help her my pain is worthwhile.
I start thinking of alternative solutions to ease some of my issues. Compromises that might be acceptable. I come up with one. I kiss her feet. It surprises and delights her. For her it's an action that doesn't trigger any negative memories and is a novel way to have someone express affection. For me it's a way to feel connected and express physical intimacy. I start doing this often, she loves it and I love that she loves it. It helps me feel more connected to her.
To be clear I have no particular attraction or fetish for feet. It was a way for me to show affection to try to fulfill that side of myself without making her have flashbacks or bad memories.
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