I have a hard time coping with the situation I find myself in. We've been together about a month and half at this point, not very long at all. I am already in such pain everyday trying to come to terms with the nature of our relationship. I've never felt this way before, had to deal with these types of emotions. I'm unsure of how to process or work through the way I feel. I'd done a lot of work years ago in therapy to recognize and understand myself and my emotions but I was unprepared for what I was going through now. The feelings of love and yearning for her mixed with the bitterness and disappointment I felt regarding the situation. I struggled every day.
It was something that was difficult to communicate to her. Most days she was going through her own set of issues. Dealing with repressed memories of traumatic events, her own emotional disorders that had gone untreated for years as a result, her physical pain from her conditions. I felt very bad for bringing up my own issues. I often felt shallow or disgusted with myself for feeling unhappy about the things I was going through. Surely if I truly loved and cared about her I would have the patience and understanding to be there for her? On the occasions when we did talk about some of the issues not much came of it. But at least for a moment she would express her understanding, her care, her love to me. Those moments were what kept me going for the most part. That and the hope that things would get better, I just had to be patient and be strong. Trust in her, believe in her.
I talked to her about therapy and my feelings on it. By this point I had told her all about my past. Growing up with depression and anxiety and my experience with therapy, how it had helped me. She had a very different opinion about therapy. She had some negative experiences with doctors and therapists growing up and into her early 20's that made her very distrustful of them. I understood and didn't want to pressure her into therapy, but I made it clear that I thought of therapy as a very positive thing if you can find the right person to treat you. If it was a ever something she wanted to try again I would support her in whatever capacity she needed me to.
Sometimes when she's really upset about something and she can't calm down she kicks me out. I get very sad when this happens. I do my best to understand and give her the space she needs. Those drives home were so difficult, so lonely. I was so rarely home those days that it felt odd sleeping in my own bed. I would always apologize for upsetting her the next day when I went to see her. Often she apologizes. One her favorite phrases is "Sorry, not sorry" followed by an explanation of why she did what she did. I grew to really dislike that phrase throughout the relationship.
At some point, my family and friends grew rather concerned for me. They would counsel me and urged me to reach out to my therapist from many years ago. I decided that maybe it would be a good idea. I felt as though I understood the struggle I was in, understood my mind well enough that I would be able to weather the emotional storm I was going through. But touching base couldn't hurt, maybe he would have some insight that would help me understand her better, help me cope with things easier. So I made an appointment for the end of January.
I worried about telling her, I knew how she felt about therapy. To my surprise, when I informed her of my appointment she was very supportive of it. That made me so happy. To think that she would put aside her feelings of therapy to support my decision... I was very happy.
It was something that was difficult to communicate to her. Most days she was going through her own set of issues. Dealing with repressed memories of traumatic events, her own emotional disorders that had gone untreated for years as a result, her physical pain from her conditions. I felt very bad for bringing up my own issues. I often felt shallow or disgusted with myself for feeling unhappy about the things I was going through. Surely if I truly loved and cared about her I would have the patience and understanding to be there for her? On the occasions when we did talk about some of the issues not much came of it. But at least for a moment she would express her understanding, her care, her love to me. Those moments were what kept me going for the most part. That and the hope that things would get better, I just had to be patient and be strong. Trust in her, believe in her.
I talked to her about therapy and my feelings on it. By this point I had told her all about my past. Growing up with depression and anxiety and my experience with therapy, how it had helped me. She had a very different opinion about therapy. She had some negative experiences with doctors and therapists growing up and into her early 20's that made her very distrustful of them. I understood and didn't want to pressure her into therapy, but I made it clear that I thought of therapy as a very positive thing if you can find the right person to treat you. If it was a ever something she wanted to try again I would support her in whatever capacity she needed me to.
Sometimes when she's really upset about something and she can't calm down she kicks me out. I get very sad when this happens. I do my best to understand and give her the space she needs. Those drives home were so difficult, so lonely. I was so rarely home those days that it felt odd sleeping in my own bed. I would always apologize for upsetting her the next day when I went to see her. Often she apologizes. One her favorite phrases is "Sorry, not sorry" followed by an explanation of why she did what she did. I grew to really dislike that phrase throughout the relationship.
At some point, my family and friends grew rather concerned for me. They would counsel me and urged me to reach out to my therapist from many years ago. I decided that maybe it would be a good idea. I felt as though I understood the struggle I was in, understood my mind well enough that I would be able to weather the emotional storm I was going through. But touching base couldn't hurt, maybe he would have some insight that would help me understand her better, help me cope with things easier. So I made an appointment for the end of January.
I worried about telling her, I knew how she felt about therapy. To my surprise, when I informed her of my appointment she was very supportive of it. That made me so happy. To think that she would put aside her feelings of therapy to support my decision... I was very happy.
Comments
Post a Comment