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I met her about a year ago around Thanksgiving. This was the only romantic relationship I've ever had. Let me explain. I grew up with clinical depression and social anxiety that hit me very hard in puberty. It had a very negative impact on my social development among other things. I ended dropping out of Highschool in my sophomore year and lived 2 years in Japan with my father. After I got back to the states I got my GED and finally went through about 2 years of heavy therapy and a little bit of medication to work through my issues, eventually no longer needing the therapy or meds to manage my issues (a conclusion my therapist and I came to).

I never had much of an opportunity to explore the idea of a romantic relationship during all of this. Even after I gained the tools to deal with my issues I had mixed feelings about romance. I wanted to be a better person, a solid person before I even tried to share my life with another person. I didn't want all my emotional baggage and lack of life experience to hold back my partner when I finally got involved with someone.

I spent my years 19-23 focusing on myself, my life, learning how to live with my issues in the real world, developing my social self, working. I deepened my friendships, gained new friends, met a lot of people, did well at my job, learned a lot! People would often ask me why I never dated or had any sort of romantic relationship still. I would explain that it wasn't that I didn't want one, but before I put forth real effort into pursuing something like that I wanted to make sure I would be ready.

On my 23rd birthday I decided it was about time. I had a job I did well and was respected at. I had strong and supportive relationships with my friends and family. I was physically healthy and emotionally stable. I still had bouts with depression and anxiety, but I had learned and practiced the past few years how to manage and deal with them extremely effectively.

I didn't really know how to go about it, but I decided it was time to start working on figuring that out. That next year I started trying to put myself out there. I devoted time to trying to be social, trying new things. I actually discovered a lot about myself and developed new interests and habits. It was quite a formative year for me, I look back on it with fondness. I didn't have much success with finding a relationship but I stopped making it a "priority" in my mind. Instead I felt that if I just focused on my life and continued to branch out and develop my interests then opportunities would eventually happen.

When I turned 24 (August of 2016) I still hadn't found a relationship but I had people who had expressed interest, and honestly... as much as I yearned to experience that feeling of connection and love with someone, for whatever reason I hadn't really clicked with anyone the way I thought I would when it came to "feeling" in love.

I got a big promotion at my job shortly thereafter. It came with a much larger paycheck, but also more stress, more hours, more responsibility. I was up to the challenge but I ended up putting a lot of other aspects of my life off to keep up. Eventually things slowed down in November, around the same time I had a friend who was going to be turning 21. I was so excited! My close friends who I grew up with were all about a year older than me so I never got to celebrate their 21st birthdays with them. My own 21st I spent working late and then early the next morning, so I was excited at the chance to give my buddy an awesome 21st. His birthday was at the end of November, so I had a few weeks to prepare.

I spent the next few weeks going out and discovering nightlife activities. Bars, strip clubs, dance clubs, trying to figure out where we should go and what we should do for his birthday. I was coordinating with his family and friends so we would all be on the same page. I went out almost every night hitting a few places a night. It was a bit exhilarating, I'd never been much for partying or nightlife in general so exploring this side of myself was quite interesting. Even when I figured there were a lot of things I didn't like about it I still appreciated it for the experiences that it provided.

After a couple weeks of this I walked into a strip club, maybe the sixth or seventh one on my list from the past couple of weeks. It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, not too crowded. I got a beer and sat at the stage for a bit. I didn't really have a huge interest in getting a dance that night. I had always felt a weird about paying for physical intimacy. Part of me liked it for the obvious reasons of having a beautiful woman touching you while getting naked, but it sometimes felt a bit sleazy. I always made sure to be extremely polite, well mannered, and respectful and to tip well. I had met some very interesting people actually, had some pretty fun conversations and experiences. On the other hand I'd had some extremely indecent offers or suggestions, which I generally took as not being worth the risk, probably a "trap" and respectfully declined.

I may not have been exactly sure of what I was looking for in a relationship but I knew for sure I wanted more than just a physical attraction and I didn't have any sort of expectation of meeting someone I would be interested in romantically. So when I met her that night I didn't even think this would be someone I would devote and give myself to in some of the most extreme ways I ever had. I was just there to scope out a place for my buddy, have a good time, and go home.

I had left the stage and was hanging out just observing the atmosphere, customers, the dancers (no worries, I still tip stage even if I'm not sitting there when I just hang out like that). A few of the girls came up and talked to me, no one I was really "feeling" though. We would talk a little, they would ask if I was interested in a dance, I would turn I was actually strongly contemplating call it an early night. Then she approached me. She walked up to me from the side, I didn't see her until she asked me how I was doing.

She was petite, dusky skinned, and heavily tattooed. On one side she had vivid, colorful tattoos covering her side, her arm, down her leg, her back. On the other side intricate black tribal designs. Deep brown hair hung loose down her back, framing an exotic, beautiful face with a nose ring and just a hint of makeup on. She was beautiful and captivating. I was taken aback but I recovered and we got to talking. I liked her, she was very open about herself and her life and didn't act overly sexual to try to get me to get a dance. I appreciated being talked to like a person instead of like an ATM that's just there to feel her up. I know that's not necessarily the attitude woman in the industry have, but it was one I had experienced quite often. So when she asked for a dance I was eager to. I spent the whole night with her and I learned a lot about her. Her goals, her thoughts on various parts of the industry she worked in, things she obsesses about, her interests. And on my end I shared quite a bit of myself as well, more than I ever had with anyone during one of my outings. By the end of the night she offered me her number and I took it. The first time I had ever taken anyone up on the offer or even strongly contemplated wanting someone's number.

We spent the next few days texting, I had never experienced the feelings I was going through right now before. I shared the news with all my friends, asking for advice on how to proceed. At the same time I tempered my expectations quite heavily. I was well aware that there was a lot of potential financial motivation on her end to interact with me. So early on I made a decision. I was going to trust her and believe in her and this opportunity unless I was given a strong reason not to. If that situation arose I would take a step back and re-evaluate the state of things at that time. But I didn't want to enter into a potential relationship with doubt, insecurity, and mistrust from the get-go. Especially based simply on her career and the environment/circumstances in which we met.

We continued texting and I went to see her at work on her birthday that Saturday. She was so happy to see me. We sat and talked and eventually I bought out the rest of her evening. My birthday gift to her I told her. We sat in the private booth the rest of the evening, I told her she didn't have to dance we could just talk. It was an extremely pleasant evening. By the end of it she asked me if I wanted to go on a date, outside of the club, that Monday. I was so happy, so excited, of course I would.

I was so nervous, so full of anticipation. I spent the next day getting ready. I called all my friends for advice. I went shopping, bought some new clothes, got an actual haircut (most of the time I just buzz it down myself every few months). Come Monday, I'm so nervous I don't know what to do with myself. We meet downtown and head on foot to a restaurant she knows. I feel so awkward, I have no idea what to say, or how to be. God I remember how much I was cringing inside, seems funny looking back at it now, though I know I was just a ball of anxiety at the time. We eat, walk around a bit, eventually find a place so she can smoke some weed. She offers me some, I decline, I've never used drugs before and despite weed now being legal in my state I wasn't eager to try it. I had nothing against others using it however, so we sit in a stairwell of a parking garage and talk while she smokes. Well mostly she talks, I encourage her and she opens up to me about her goal/dream in more detail and what it really means to her. How much she gives in pursuit of it and the passion she has. I feel moved and touched in a way I've never quite felt before.

When she's done smoking we walk around a bit more. She suddenly tells me she has to get going. I feel a bit disappointed, quite sure that my manner on this date has given the impression that I'm awkward and weird. The train pulls up and she gets on. I thank her for the date and wish her well, smiling and standing there somewhat awkwardly waiting for the doors to close. She thanks me too, and kind of stands there before reaching out and grabbing my jacket. She gives me a look and tells me to kiss her before pulling me in and kissing me just as the doors start to close. I have to say, I had not been expecting that at all. One second I was feeling super bummed out thinking I had screwed up the date by getting stuck in my head with anxiety, the next she's kissing me, and the very next second she's being whisked away leaving me standing there with a variety of emotions.

I'm elated and confused. Why did she leave so suddenly? Surely this date went horribly? But she kissed me, that must mean that it went well, right? We need to remember now, this is my first date and my first kiss. I'm sort of freaking the fuck out, but also extremely ecstatic. She texts me shortly after that apologizing for rushing off like that. I tell her that it was my first kiss. She's mortified, she apologizes, she didn't realize it, she apologizes for doing that and running off like that. I tell her it's fine, it's great, I'm so happy! We text back and forth a bit, she wants to know the full story behind why I've never been in a relationship before. I had mentioned it before but she didn't realize the extent of it, she thought I had simply never been in a serious relationship before (bf/gf status).  So I explain a bit about my history with anxiety and depression and why I’ve waited so long.

At this point I'm quite smitten, the following week or so we continue to text regularly. She shares more with me about her life, including some of the issues she has with family and her physical health. She has Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, as well several old injuries that never healed fully to various areas (knees, ankles, ribs, shoulders, etc.). She shares with me some of the struggles she has as well as some of the ways she copes with all of it. How dancing helps, why she smokes so much weed, her strict diet, chiropractor. She tells me about some of the things she's done for people to help them and how many of those situations have backfired on her and left her alone. All I want to do is help her, this amazing person full of passion and love for her dream. And yet she struggles due to an unfair hand that life has dealt her, oh how I wish I could do something, anything to help her.

That week she gets a visit from a member of her family. It's extremely stressful for her and she texts me about it, looking for someone to vent to. I'm happy to oblige, but I make a mistake. I don't want to just sit by and listen, I want to help, to fix. On a particular evening when she communicates to me what a difficult time she's having I decide to go down to the club to talk to her.

I get there and I listen to her issues, I comfort her. But then I try to "fix" it. I give unwanted advice, which prompts her to talk more about some of the things she's gone through. She has a breakdown in the club, crying, and having physical pain that flares up from her Fibromyalgia when she becomes stressed. I feel terrible, she calms down and is very upset at me. I apologize, recognizing that I crossed some lines. It's not my place to try to give her advice, especially at her work. She just wanted to vent. By the end of the evening, I seemed to have smoothed things out by recognizing my error and apologizing profusely for it. She thanks me for coming by knowing that I meant well.

I hear from her the next day. She's having a full on Fibromyalgia attack. She's in an incredible amount of pain, she's pretty sure it was brought on by the stress of dealing with her family. But also that I certainly made it worse with my "fix it" antics of the previous night. I feel absolutely terrible. She wants me to come see her that night so I can see what she's talking about. I of course agree, eager to make up for my mistake.

I head there that evening after work. She's in an incredible amount of pain, having difficulty walking, sitting, any sort of movement. She doesn't say much to me at first. She tells me how badly she's doing, how bad the pain is. I feel terrible and apologize. I offer to help if there's anything I can do. We hang out for a little bit I get some dances so she can take a break in the back. She cries from the pain when we're alone and tells me how grateful she is to have me here so she doesn't have to feel pressured to work through the pain right now. She can take a break without having to worry about doing stage sets. The pain gets worse as the evening progresses to the point she wants to go home early. She talks to the manager and gets permission. I offer to take her home (she doesn't drive due to her conditions and some PTSD incidents involving motor vehicles).

She lives about a half hour away. The drive there is agonizing for her. She reclines the seat back, crying and adjusting her position constantly the entire drive. We arrive at her apartment complex, I park and she invites me in. I help her to the apartment. She gives me a brief tour of her place before throwing a pile of blankets on the floor in front of the heater and collapsing into it. I had offered to help her out with some chores before she collapsed so I do the dishes and take out the trash, intermittently checking on her to make sure she's ok.

She's out and doesn't stir for anything. I'm hesitant to wake her considering how much pain she was in while conscious. I'm left feeling extremely awkward. It's getting late and I have work extremely early in the morning. I don't want to wake her due to her pain, but I don't want to leave without telling her and seeing if she needs anything else. I put my shoes on and sit by the entryway for a bit just looking at her. Passed out under a small mountain of blankets, so at peace right now in contrast to the distress she had been in all evening.

I fall asleep sitting there slumped against the wall with my shoes on. At some point around 2am she wakes and calls out to me, surprised I'm still there. I wake feeling extremely embarrassed, but also exhausted. I start apologizing, but she cuts me off telling me it's fine. She's very glad I helped her out and she's glad I stayed. She tells me to sleep in her bed. She's unable to use it while going through an episode anyways, too difficult to get in and out of.

I gratefully accept, I have to be up for work in a few hours and I'm exhausted. She passes out again and I fall asleep shortly thereafter. When I get up the next morning she wakes as well. We talk a little, she expresses her gratitude. I tell her it's no problem, I'm happy to help. I ask her if she'd like me to check up on her tonight as well. She accepts, somewhat timidly. She's not used to someone offering her this level of assistance during her episodes. I help her up so she can use the restroom and get ready to leave for work. I see if she needs anything, wish her well, and head out for the day.

That night after work I head to her place. I help with chores, take her dog out, dishes, general cleaning up. She has nothing to eat so I get her dinner and pick up some groceries for her as well. And this pattern continues for the next couple of weeks. I go to her place after work and help her with whatever she needs. I spend the evening there generally and go to work the next morning.

After about a week she's up and about for the most part, still very wobbly. After the second week she's just about fully recovered. She's never recovered so fast from an episode this bad she tells me. She thanks me for everything I've been doing the past couple of weeks. We had talks throughout those weeks. How ridiculous the situation was, how fast all of it seemed to happen, how the nature of our relationship was a bit out of the norm.

After she was mostly better there was an evening where I was getting ready to leave back to my house for the evening and she pulled me in. She kisses me passionately, pulling me in, grabbing my hands wrapping them around her. She takes me to her bedroom and we fall onto the bed kissing. She undresses, and instructs me on how to please her orally. I happily oblige, overwhelmed and not expecting this at all (I really have no radar for these sorts of things).

After she's satisfied we kiss some more, we talk about what just happened a bit before she ushers me out the door. She does so with a smile, telling me she'll see me again soon, thanking me. I'm elated. This beautiful, amazing woman actually wants and appreciates me. I hadn't received any reciprocation sexually this night, but I wasn't even thinking about that then. I was more than happy with our activities this evening. It had taken me completely by surprise and I had never experienced anything like this before.

The following days I was filled with anticipation for our next meeting. I wanted to explore this side of things more of course, but I also was excited to continue to get to know her further. I was deeply in love with her and was eager to deepen our relationship and see how we would fit into each other’s lives as things developed.

But around this time I also took a step back, told myself to calm down and re-evaluated my position and expectations in this relationship. We hadn't really discussed what we were to each other and I also knew that there were a lot of issues for her sexually due to past trauma. I tempered my expectations, told myself to be patient and not pressure her for sex. To make sure she didn't feel like her receiving support, care, and understanding from me would be contingent upon her performing physical acts of intimacy.

She asked me to come over a couple of days after all that. I helped with some errands and chores when I got there. Eventually we had a conversation about our relationship. She informed me of a sort of "fast" she was on where she was abstaining from certain things for a roughly three month period. Things like sweets, potato chips, and sex. What had happened the other night was sort of a mistake, she hadn't meant to go that far with things, but she figured it was sort of ok since we didn't actually have sex it had just been her receiving oral. She was really sorry but she would be unable to have sex or reciprocate sexually until Christmas.

I was a bit disappointed, but I had prepared myself for that already. I told her that was fine and explained my position on certain things. How important it was to me that she not feel like she ever has to give in that way just to make me happy. And that even just being able to kiss her and go down on her that way was incredible. That I thought she was incredible and I was glad I could help her through a difficult episode. I also let her know about the importance self-discipline held to me. We had talked about some of the things I had worked through in my past with depression and social anxiety as well as some of the ways I manage them. So I tied it in with that and let her know I can be patient, until she's ready I'll be ok. After all I've lived without those things to this point in my life and had been in no rush before and managed just fine.

After that I resolved myself to not worry about those things and put the thought and expectation of intimacy from my mind. The next couple weeks were exhausting. I went over most days and would help her with errands and chores most days. It wasn't a whole lot but it was a bit tiring with work and everything. Most other aspects of my life kind of fell away. I didn't have time for the gym anymore, no rock climbing, no outings on the town, I didn't have time to play video games,  watch TV shows, or anime. I still saw my friends but much less often. Instead I put all of my time and energy into helping her. I started taking her to work and picking her up. Which was difficult when she had an evening shift (9pm-3am) and I had to work at 6am. But I made it work. God was I exhausted all the time though.

There would be times I would pick up her roommate, she had a similar job but at different clubs. I would take her shopping for groceries or weed when she had issues financially. I did all this without her asking, I simply offered. I had the capability financially and physically to handle all of this so I gave it freely to the person I loved and cared about. I bought a book about Fibromyalgia to educate myself about it. I wanted to understand what she went through dealing with her pain everyday.

She had a lot of emotional issues as well. She revealed more of her past to me. Detailed some of the thoughts and emotions she deals with. She had been through terrible events throughout her life. Been hurt, abandoned, and used. But somehow she made it through and still had such a beautiful desire to change the world for the better with her dream. I was enthralled, I was in love. I wanted to show this person that there are good people in this world, who won't hurt you. I wanted to be that person to her...

Christmas rolled around eventually, I wasn't sure what to expect. I know she had talked about her abstinence ending on Christmas but I know she also had a great deal many issues due to her past. So I didn't want to go there with this expectation that something was going to happen. I was just happy to be spending Christmas with her. We were going to go to her family's house for dinner, which was a bit worrisome based on some of the things she had told me about her past.

When I got there that morning she was in the shower. I waited for her like normal, took her dog out, cleaned up in the kitchen a little. She stepped out in nothing but a towel. She came over and we talked for a little. She closed the distance between us and her towel falls away. She grabs me, we kiss. Our hands are all over each other and we stumble our way to the bedroom. I was so nervous and I'm sure I was awkward and fumbling at the time, but she was patient and calm the whole time. She let me know what she wanted and instructed me, coaxed me, urged me on.

It was an incredible experience for me. After we had finished I expressed to her how amazing what had just happened was. I was so happy, I felt so accepted. I was 24 and had never been with a woman. I had a certain amount of insecurity going into this scenario. But she made me feel like it was all ok. I wasn't under the impression I was some superstar by any means, but I didn't feel as though she had any negative impression against me due to my lack of experience. And to have that understanding and acceptance, to me that was an incredible feeling.

Dinner with her family was interesting. We got there while they were unwrapping gifts. We were ushered in, I got a quick introduction and then gift unraveling continued. Marissa and I sat apart, she sat with her siblings and I sat next to her step-grandmother. I made polite conversation with her while they all took turns opening a pile of presents. I was glad it seemed to be going well, Marissa had told me about some of the issues she had with her family and I had been worried she would be get stressed and have a negative reaction. But she seemed to be having a really good time and was thanking her family for all the gifts.

Eventually she opened a gift that gave her pause however. She kind of stared at it and eventually started crying. I got up to see if she was alright but she waved me off. Her sister got up and hugged her instead. I was worried, I wanted to make sure she was ok, but I didn't want to make a scene and I wanted to give her space so I sat back down. They opened the rest of the gifts and we started on dinner. I talked briefly with various members of her family throughout dinner, more people arrived, more introductions.

Things had settled down a bit, people were kind of talking amongst themselves when a bit of a fight broke out between her and another family member. Everything kind of devolved from there. She was screaming at them about certain things, people were yelling at her for things, it was just a bit of a mess. In all the chaos unsure of what to do I help some of her other family members clean up a little and get all of her gifts organized into bags. We load them into my car while they continue to fight.

Eventually she leaves, I go back inside to quickly express my thanks for having me over and for dinner. I get back to the car and she's going through all the gifts and throwing them onto the lawn, certain smaller items she keeps, the majority she throws out. She yells some more before getting in the car and telling me to drive.

Based on the things she told me happened I don't know how to respond to what just happened. I'm a bit in shock, but I tell her if she needs anything to tell me, that I'm there for her. She vents to me a bit and expresses that she's done with them, she's not going to deal with her family anymore because of all the things that have happened with them and the things they're not willing to admit.

We spend the next day together. We drive around, go shopping together, I buy her a few things here and there. We go shopping at the mall as our last visit, we pick up some fun gifts and spend an incredible evening together. The last few days have had some incredible ups and downs but I'm so happy I got to experience these things with her. The good, the bad, the mundane, all of it. I feel so happy.

She tells me about a trip she's going to be taking. She'll be gone for about a week and is leaving just before New Year's. It feels sudden and I'm a bit sad but I understand she has other things she had planned already. We still hadn't talked about what we were exactly. So I sit down with her to talk about it.

It's a heartfelt discussion several things come of it. She doesn't like labels like boyfriend/girlfriend, she just wants to kind of let it be and see where things go, she is polyamorous. The last one devastates me. I had been expecting her to still be active with other people right now, especially on her upcoming trip to Miami, but I had imagined that was just due to the new nature of our relationship. The given time if things continued to go well between us we would be a couple, unconventional perhaps, but a couple nonetheless.

Coming to terms with just being alone this week on New Year's had been hard, coming to terms with thinking she would be with someone else during that time harder still. But I hadn't imagined polyamory at all. To think that I would never be in a relationship with just her the way I imagined one day was absolutely devastating. She apologized for not telling me sooner, I told her it was ok I should have been clearer from the start about my feelings about being monogamous.

To be clear I don't have any issues with people who decide to be in a polyamorous relationship. But I knew that such a thing wasn't for me, I wanted to be committed to one person. The idea of coming home everyday and being with one person I would learn everything about over the years. Creating amazing memories and new experiences with that person. To give to one person absolutely in everyway I'm capable... that was my dream. And one I had never even realized was so important to me until she told me she was polyamorous. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of a non-monogamous relationship.

That night was difficult, I cried. The news was heartbreaking. I knew she would likely be with other people still at this point in the relationship, but to know that would always be the case... That it would never change... heartbreaking. 

The Christmas tree I bought for her apartment.

My first time ever getting one :).

Her roommate and her decorated it.